Satire

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Donald Trump, wealthy presidential candidate, has had to get rid of Horatio, the guinea pig living on his head, after learning of its Mexican heritage.

Horatio is a long haired guinea pig that Trump picked up from the Manhattan Petting Zoo in 2001. After bringing him home, Trump fell asleep on his couch, and Horatio crawled out of his pen and onto Trump’s bald head. He did not realize Horatio was up there, and while he was walking down the stairs of the Trump Tower, he was complimented on his hair.

“I put my hands up to my head, and Horatio was just sitting there, asleep,” Trump said.

During his time on “The Celebrity Apprentice”, producer Mark Burnett discovered that Horatio was the only living thing to stay asleep when Trump shouted at the contestants.

On Trump’s controversial Twitter profile, he tweeted “It’s gonna be tough to move on after losing Horatio. Anyone who thinks I could just move on from this is a moron.”

In an NBC interview with Katy Tur, Trump showed a sweater he knit for Horatio with the words “You’re Fired!” across the chest and little cut out Trumps around the sweater. With teary eyes, he claimed that he wasn’t crying during the interview, he just has awful wool allergies.

When Tur asked how Trump discovered Horatio is not a US citizen, Trump recalled the events.

“I was about to go to sleep last month, and I heard a voice on the other side of the wall talking in Spanish. I walked into the room and saw Horatio sitting there in his pen with my phone. I demanded to see his birth certificate, and Horatio refused to show me. I looked into it myself, and discovered he’s from Mexico City.”

Trump will therefore release Horatio back to the petting zoo soon. He says that he is hurt after this and plans to stay out of the spotlight until it all combs over.

A documentary about Horatio’s life will be airing on “Animal Planet” on October 2, 2015.

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Liberals across America have decided against injecting their children with dangerous chemicals and instead choose the natural and organic alternative of disease.

Since the dawn of man, humans have battled with our greatest enemy, illness. Smallpox, yellow fever, black death, ebola, influenza, polio, and many other illnesses have plagued our kind for millennia. The resilient human race has developed, through intense study and hard work, methods of preventing many of the terrible diseases in hopes of completely removing them from society. However, in recent years, a new cultural fad has arisen. It includes saying no to things that would otherwise keep one in good health.

In strong defiance of the science of medicine and everything intended to help people, the smart and independent moms of America, who don’t need no doctor tellin’ them what’s good for them and what ain’t, are withholding mankind’s defense against disease from their children. It only seems right that we should starve kids of vaccines, against their will, to keep them safe from much more harmful ailments such as autism.

Minority groups who are unable to receive vaccines due to age, cancer, or other impediments are in the warm, educated, and loving hands of ignorance. If a child goes blind from measles or becomes paralyzed because of polio, parents can rejoice in the fact that all those children of the anti-vaccine pioneers aren’t autistic.

“Who’d want to put all those icky chemicals inside their body,” a very smart and independent mother told reporters, “Besides, it’s too mainstream to use vaccines.”

 

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Public school, where everybody wants to be for eight hours a day. Let’s take a field trip to the inside-workings of the institution we attend five days a week.

The first thing everybody desires is to be greeted in the morning by horrifying screams from girls that act like they haven’t seen their friend in decades. Seriously? You saw her yesterday. Thankfully, school is scheduled at a suitable time so that the minute everyone sits down for first block they are alert and ready to learn and pay attention.

Next, it’s time for gym, a place to exercise and have fun. Nobody texts, sleeps, or engages in horseplay. The boy that just chunked a basketball at the other kid’s head is building life skills and growing mentally and physically.

Now, examine the hallways, where all students plan ahead for their next class, making sure to be on time. Some people jolt and force through others, but this shows self-defense tactics for later on in life. The hallways are luxurious, filled with unique smells.

Time for lunch! Lunch is where throwing food is okay because it helps keep the mind and body active for the next class.

Speaking of class, here is an everyday classroom where teachers are tech-savvy and know how to work a complex remote and how to fix it if problems arise. While the teacher repairs the instrument, the students have time to get on their phones to text or surf Twitter and engage in great life skills while reading celebrity tweets.

Should I go now or wait until I get home? The bathrooms are 100% sanitary with paper towels always available after washing your hands with the luxury soap provided. Why not waste those paper towels scattered across the floor? We have enough anyway!

Finally, time to go home. The 3:05 bell screeches, leading 1500 students out in an orderly manner to safely exit the school, allowing all to get to their bus or car. What a nice field trip. We take a lot throughout the year, but this was the best yet.

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The Statesboro High School Student Council released a statement yesterday reaffirming their annual commitment to inactivity on behalf of the student body.  The statement’s title: “Aesthetics: Nothing More, Nothing Less,” outlined the documents goal.

“Student Council will refrain from implementing substantive reform or change beneficial to the student body,” says Section V, line II, “in favor of purely superficial work, such as vigorous debate on homecoming hallway themes, and the Junior Class representatives’ endless toil to choose fleetingly witnessed prom decorations.”

SHS Junior, John Doe, posed a confused question at the statement’s reading in the media center yesterday.

“Why did you release this statement, instead of taking the obvious path and hiding the problem?”

“Student government has received growing requests to facilitate real change,” senior Student Council President Nash Davis countered, “We feel that this statement really helps illustrate  Student Council’s position as a puppet organization.”

A flurry of idealistic shouting on the nature of the organization followed the shocked silence President Davis enjoyed while exiting the podium.  This commotion was broken only when an SHS staff member explained Davis’ accusation.

“We [The Administration] feel as if giving students a semblance of power and self determination helps placate them throughout their high school career, and provides a cleaner alternative to violence when attempting to subject  students to our will.

 

**This article is satire. Portrayals of real people therein should not be construed as an endorsement of it’s content or understood to be factual.**

 

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Poisoned candy, skimpy outfits, and real-life nightmares have evolved Halloween from a once-wholesome holiday for tots into a modern monster, but the celebration commonly remains to be too tame.

One of Halloween’s oldest traditions, trick-or-treating, has recently been declared old hat. Why would any child want normal chocolate, marshmallow, or lollipop-like treats when they could have a more extreme prize, the namesake “tricks?” This is what prompts the occasional spiking of Halloween candy as thoughtful do-gooders embellish the sweets with toxic materials and dangerous objects like razor blades, pins, and pieces of glass. Many people holding on to old traditions that consist of distributing just candy revolt at the idea, but the practices of these dedicated tricksters still make national news today. Children can rest assured that the discovery of a sharp treat could still very well make its way in among their chocolate come October 31.

“I firmly believe,” spoke President Barack Obama on a headline concerning Snickers bars littered with razors, “That for our country to unite as a whole our children must grow up in a world where they know the true meaning of Halloween, that life is not just about the treats. America is about sacrifice, and sometimes this can come in the form of caramel-wrapped shrapnel. Thank you, and goodnight.”

Perhaps the largest element of holiday tradition is the act of dressing up in costume. While the night was originally intended solely for children, the adults of America decided they, too, should be allowed to partake in costumed fun. Putting aside cute little pumpkins and princesses, a more mature age group can dress up in wilder costumes, and now teenagers and parents alike dress up in a wide variety of revamped costumes, taking something as simple as a crayon and making it daring and alluring. Some accuse these fashion-driven, creative young people of oversexualizing a holiday meant for children and turning into a trashy excuse to show as much skin as possible. However, college students and aging parents alike continue to flaunt their style with fishnets and corsets for one night a year.

The best way to spruce up a deadened day of celebration is by going from pagan holiday to pervasive horror-scene. Parents can rest assured that lots of fun-loving scares and more than enough common kidnappings can occur when they let their children lose on the one night a year where mischief is liberated. The true meaning of Halloween, argues the public, is to have lots of dangerous fun, especially in the dark while wearing scary costumes around small children who could easily wander into white vans with the promise of sugared treats.

“Halloween is all about the tricks, and if we take that out of the holiday, what else is left?” said an anonymous man, holding trash bags and a bowl full of lollipops, hiding behind a hedge last October 31.

How are people supposed to cause chaos on Halloween when little kids are doing things in safer spots rather than on dark roadways? Tricksters peddling their own special candy and pranks to pull call foul on conservatism, reminiscing about the old days of mischief and a bygone era of dangerous moments on the streets.

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